When you’re 12 years old and discover that your 10-year-old sister has cancer, life changes in an instant. We as parents were trying to explain to Rebecca what was happening to Lisa using words like blood count, platelets and neutropenic, all of which were completely alien to her.
Despite all we were going through, our strong family unit locked together, worked together and talked endlessly as life carried on. Sadly, after 18 months, Lisa died.
The support from friends and family was immense. Professional help kept us busy for a few months as did a wonderful GP, who, on his day off, appeared weekly to chat. We contemplated having another baby, but Rebecca was 14 and in four years would be off to university, so we decided against it. And no one could replace Lisa.
Thaxter family
Instead, our motto became “three wheels on my wagon”, like the song. We kept rolling on. As a threesome, going on holiday, issues became apparent on fun fair rides, when one parent had to sit by themselves. The same applied to seating arrangements in restaurants, so we learnt to alternate, so no one felt left out. Our unit remained strong.
But the impact of being a bereaved sibling on Rebecca was huge and brought with it a wide range of challenges that she shouldn’t have had to navigate. Thirty-two years ago, there was little support for bereaved siblings. Rebecca did form a sibling group which offered support but then as teenagers, other issues took over.
Socialising as a bereaved sibling could be difficult, especially when all her friends had siblings. They were sympathetic, but didn’t really understand what she was going through. But how could they? She’d joined a club which she hoped none of her friends would ever have to join themselves. At university, telling her new flat mates that her sister died could be a great 'conversation stopper', so she didn’t, but would feel guilty for not doing so.
The impact of being a bereaved sibling on Rebecca was huge and brought with it a wide range of challenges that she shouldn’t have had to navigate.
For Rebecca, it was tough seeing her sisters’ friends at school every day, too. And, of course, as Lisa’s friends left secondary school, went to university, had boyfriends, got married and had children, there was always the thought, “I wonder what Lisa would have done?” We still ask that question today when Rebecca’s children ask her about their aunt.
Rebecca has grown up, got married and had three lovely children, who ask about cousins. That’s when I wish that we’d considered more about the decision not to have another baby after Lisa died. I feel sad that Rebecca is aware that her children miss out on big family occasions and gatherings.
Communication has been paramount since Lisa was diagnosed, treated, died, and as life continued. When Rebecca’s dad, Geoff, was taken ill and later passed away, our mother and daughter bond kept us afloat through some very difficult times. Our motto is now “two wheels on my wagon”.
From Contact magazine issue 111 | Summer 2026
