Coping with grief and loss
Grief is a natural response after someone you love has died. The death of a child or young person is particularly hard to accept and cope with.
Bereaved parents experience painful and strong emotions. They may find that their grief is overwhelming and takes up all of their energy, making it hard to cope with any other demands on them. As a result, parents will often not be able to ask for, or find, the support that might help them at this time.
Grandparents too may find that they are overwhelmed by grief, often feeling that it should have been them, not their grandchild, who has died.
Children grieve too. Some children are able to talk openly about their feelings which may help them to cope with the death of their brother, sister, friend or family member. Other children find it harder to say how they feel and may need help to communicate in other ways.
Bereaved children are very sensitive to the emotions of their parents and may not want to discuss their thoughts and fears with them, feeling that their worries may worsen their parents’ sadness. Bereaved parents may themselves feel that the strength of their own grief means that they do not have the capacity to fully support their other children.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it can’t be forced or hurried. Whatever your relationship with the child who has died, there is plenty of help and support available to help understand and process grief.
It is clearly devastating to hear that a close friend’s child has died. While you were probably told it may happen, no one believes it really will happen, and the news often comes as an enormous shock. Everyone hopes that their child will escape, and be the one who is cured against all the odds.
This may make you worry about your own family as well as feeling desperately sorry for your friend and their family. Some people feel guilty about worrying about those closest to them, however when a tragedy like the death of a child occurs, this is natural.
What can you do?
Parents may not feel that you really understand their feelings of total devastation. They may find it difficult to ask for help and may withdraw from others.
However, you can help them in many different ways. The suggestions on this page may help you understand what you could do to help them at this difficult time. These suggestions can also help you to feel that you are doing something useful for them.
- Do practical things like cooking, shopping, washing, ironing to take away the burden of having to think about doing these things.
- Taking care of their other children, so that your friend can have some time for themselves, either alone or as a couple.
- Drive them, for example, to the shops, when they feel they cannot face the traffic.
- Some friends can listen but others find it too upsetting. If you find you can’t listen, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. Offering to do things instead lets your friend know you are trying to support them.
- Your friend is likely to need more support as the weeks go by, when they begin to feel everyone has forgotten them. People tend to ring and offer support in the beginning. The longer you remain in contact, the more you will be able to help your friend. Frequent but short contacts are really appreciated.
- Your friend may have difficulty in accepting your healthy family. Try not to feel guilty or upset about this. At this time, it is really difficult for them to think about anyone else’s point of view.
- Your friend will appreciate honesty and if you want to tell them how difficult it is for you to understand, you can say “I just cannot begin to understand how terrible this must be for you”.
- Try not to just say “How are you?” Although very well intentioned, your friend will probably feel the need to say “fine”. Sometimes comfort can come from simply putting an arm around your friend and saying very little. Or, if you are ready to hear the answer, you can say “How are you really feeling?”
- Try not to say “The good die young” or “God needed him” or “She was too special”. The list of these could be endless and, while there may be truth in some of them, your friend is unlikely to find them helpful.
- Euphemisms such as ‘fallen asleep’ are not helpful. It can be difficult to use the word died, but it is the truth. To say to your friend they have ‘lost’ their child makes them sound careless. The best words are often the ones your friend uses. You will soon pick up how they refer to their child who has died.
- It is almost never helpful to say to someone "You can always have more children”. This may or may not be true. The child who has died can never be replaced. He or she was absolutely unique and individual.
- Don't cross the road to avoid speaking to your friend, even if you feel you want to. This can feel very hurtful. If you do not know what to say, then be honest and say so. You can still acknowledge your friend's sadness even if you are unable to say anything. They had no choice that their child died, but you do have a choice in how to be a real friend.
- Listen to your friend talk, accepting what is said rather than giving reassurance or advice. It is hard to listen to anger, sadness, accusations and dark thoughts, and listening to the same things can be difficult but it will help your friend to process their grief. Try to understand that there will be times when your friend does not want to talk and wishes to be on their own.
- Look after your friend’s physical needs. For example, encourage them to eat and get enough rest. You may be able to help them resume activities they had previously enjoyed.
- Talk about your friend’s child in everyday conversation. There may be some bereaved parents who do not want their child’s name mentioned but most do. You will not be reminding them about their sadness, because it is there all the time. Parents will probably welcome the chance to talk about their child for the rest of their lives.
How to help someone who is going through loss and bereavement
• Let your genuine concern and caring show.
• Be available or arrange for someone to be available for them.
• Allow them to talk about their feelings, both positive and negative.
• Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel after a loss. Everyone will find their own way of dealing with it.
• Don’t let your own feelings of helplessness keep you from offering support.
• Don’t avoid grieving brothers or sisters because you feel uncomfortable.
• Don’t say you know how they feel, unless you have had the same loss. Never tell them what they should feel.
• Don’t try to find something positive to say about their loss. This can trivialise it in their eyes.
• Stay in contact and offer practical help.
How schools can help
It is crucial for schools to remain in contact with any child who is receiving treatment, as school can be such a normal and important part of a child’s life. If the child becomes very unwell, then we would always recommend that contact is kept with the family. This will ensure clear communication and the school can act with the family’s and child’s wishes in mind. To the child, however, any kind of normality can be a great distraction and help them to cope.
We recognise that having a child who is terminally ill in the school will have a huge impact both on the staff and on other pupils. Staff will need to be able to reflect on their own feelings and experiences before being able to help the dying child or other pupils.
This section has been written to help schools understand what they can do after a pupil has died. Parents have told us that it would be helpful to have some information to give to their child’s school. This is to help them understand what they can do to help both before and after your child has died. They have also suggested it may help to have some guidance for schools about how to talk to the rest of your child’s class, and what to do if your child still has brothers or sisters attending school.
Parents usually contact the school after their child has died. Schools often want to have a special assembly or service. Check that it is not too soon, or at a time that is too difficult for the family. This is particularly important for schools where there may be a brother or sister as no-one wants to make the situation more difficult than it is already.
- Having a liaison person at the school is essential to maintain contact with the family. This will stop the family having to explain the whole situation again to someone new. The family can trust the liaison person to give out information in the way the pupil and family feel is appropriate.
- The pupil may feel that they would appreciate some contact with the outside world, but can’t manage a whole day in school. It may be possible to do a half day or even just a lesson or break time, with a member of staff designated to take responsibility. Schools need to be flexible with these kinds of arrangements.
- If the child is too unwell to manage school at all, perhaps a short visit from a few classmates might be welcome. Consider using social media, video messaging or Skype, although bear in mind that the ill child may not want to be seen on screen themselves if they are self-conscious about any change in their appearance. This could be monitored and organised by the teacher responsible. The chances are that teachers and classmates will have followed the child’s illness from the start. This may make them feel involved and want to help in some small way to make the last days special.
- Emphasise that, even if pupils feel uneasy about seeing someone very ill, they can still remain in contact by telephone, email, videos, texting, social media, or letters.
- Home tutors can be especially useful as they often have a special empathy for very seriously ill children and their families.
- Always talk with all staff involved before talking to pupils, as staff members may have strong feelings. They have to feel able to manage these feelings and then manage pupils’ reactions. Keep those who need to know informed. Try and think about the need for support both for pupils and staff.
- Discuss how to let pupils know what is happening. Think carefully how to talk in classes where there may be a brother or sister. Give siblings a chance to choose whether or not they are present or absent when a class discussion takes place.
- Discuss who is available to support staff and pupils. Think about their availability.
- Make sure that all staff are aware and that there is one key person to remain in contact with the family. Talking to many different members of staff may become too difficult for the family. Make sure too, that all staff are telling the same story.
- It is important for the school community to acknowledge the death of a pupil. This needs to be done in a way that will convey the importance of each individual in the community, and respects the child and their family.
- Think about the impact on staff. They should only be asked to speak to classes if they feel able to deal with pupils’ reactions and questions.
- Consider telling pupils in small groups if possible. This will allow for questions and expression of feelings.
- Consider how the family would feel about staff or pupils attending the funeral.
- Consider the school's policy regarding its staff or pupils attending the funeral.
- Arrange for support to be available for both pupils and staff.
- Think very carefully if there is a surviving brother or sister and how you will include them in any memorials. Talking with them and their family will ensure the best level of support is available. Make sure you treat the surviving brother or sister in a way that is acceptable to both the child and the family.
- The school may also feel they would like to make a more permanent memorial to the child in the following months, such as a bench or seat with a plaque or special tree planted.
- Listen to pupils if they want to talk and don't change the subject when they mention their friend and how they are feeling.
Helpful sources of support
Staff at the hospital where the child was treated
Staff at your child’s hospital, including the Young Lives vs Cancer Social Work team, can provide advice about the services available locally that may be able to help or support them.
Your general practitioner (GP)
Your GP will be able to provide advice about the services available locally. This may include information about local bereavement services, support groups, and organisations that offer other support, including practical, emotional and financial help.
Schools
The schools your or your friends children attend may be able to provide information about local services, offer advice and sometimes access to counselling services for the siblings of the child who has died.
Religious organisations
The chaplain at the hospital, or your local religious leader can offer support and advice.
Your local hospice
Hospices are specialists in looking after patients with terminal illnesses and their families. They usually offer information, advice, emotional support, and bereavement care services to everyone in the local community.
Social media
There are many social media groups dedicated to those coping with bereavement and loss. These can offer a safe supportive space to be open and honest about how you feel with others who understand. This can be very helpful, but it can also mean that you are exposed to other people’s grief at a vulnerable time which can be even more overwhelming. As with all social media, try to keep a balance and step back if needed.
Helpful organisations
There are a wide range of charities and other organisations providing a variety of information, services and support for children and young people with cancer, and their families.
Links to external websites have been carefully selected, but the content of external sites is not endorsed by CCLG. The PIF Tick logo can help you to identify trustworthy health and social care information.
If you know of a resource that you feel would be useful to other families, please let us know.
A Child of Mine
A charity led by bereaved parents offering practical information, guidance and support from people who really do understand. The website also lists local support groups around the UK.
At a loss
UK wide bereavement signposting and information.
The British Humanist Association
Represents the interests of ethically concerned but non-religious people. Their celebrants provide non-religious funeral ceremonies.
Care for the family
Christian faith-based charity that supports families.
Child Bereavement UK
Helps families have the support they need to rebuild their lives when a child dies.
Child Death Helpline
0800 282 986
A helpline staffed by trained volunteer parents who have suffered a loss of their child.
Child Funeral Charity
Offers financial support with the costs of a funeral for families.
Childhood Bereavement Network
An organisation for those working with bereaved children, young people and their families across the UK.
ChildLine
Tel 0800 1111
A free, confidential, 24-hour support line for children and young people.
Children of Jannah
Supports grieving Muslim parents and families following the death of a child or baby.
The Compassionate Friends
Charity dedicated to the support and care of bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents who have suffered the death of a child/children.
Cruse Bereavement Care
Offers counselling and support for all bereaved people.
Gingerbread
Provides advice and support to single parents.
Good Grief Trust
Helping all those affected by grief in the UK to find tailored support.
Grief Encounter
Supports bereaved children and teenagers.
Hope again
A safe place where young people can share experiences and learn how to deal with grief.
Hospice UK
Advice and informatin on bereavement support.
Rainbow Trust Children’s Charity
Practical and emotional support for families who have a child with a life-threatening or terminal illness.
Samaritans
Tel: 116 123
Support anyone in distress and offer a 24-hour helpline.
Sibling Support
Helps young people whose brother or sister has died.
Together for short lives
Supports families caring for a seriously ill child to access care and support including bereavement support.
Ripples of compassion
Help and support for bereaved parents and siblings.
Winston’s Wish
Practical support and guidance to bereaved children, their families and professionals.
Young Lives vs Cancer
Information and support for children and young people with cancer and their families.
The information in this section is taken from our booklet 'Facing the death of your child', which contains more detailed information. Copies are available from the hospital where the child has been treated, or you can download or order a free copy directly from our website. We also publish a booklet called 'Helping bereaved families' which your family, friends and child's school may find helpful. Both booklets also contain a list of helpful books for children and parents.