It is crucial for schools to remain in contact with any child who is receiving treatment, as school can be such a normal and important part of a child’s life. If the child becomes very unwell, then we would always recommend that contact is kept with the family. This will ensure clear communication and the school can act with the family’s and child’s wishes in mind. To the child, however, any kind of normality can be a great distraction and help them to cope.
We recognise that having a child who is terminally ill in the school will have a huge impact both on the staff and on other pupils. Staff will need to be able to reflect on their own feelings and experiences before being able to help the dying child or other pupils.
What can we as a school do to help when one of our pupils is likely to die?
- Having a liaison person at the school is essential to maintain contact with the family. This will stop the family having to explain the whole situation again to someone new. The family can trust the liaison person to give out information in the way the pupil and family feel is appropriate.
- The pupil may feel that they would appreciate some contact with the outside world, but can’t manage a whole day in school. It may be possible to do a half day or even just a lesson or break time, with a member of staff designated to take responsibility. Schools need to be flexible with these kinds of arrangements.
- If the child is too unwell to manage school at all, perhaps a short visit from a few classmates might be welcome. Consider using social media, video messaging or Skype, although bear in mind that the ill child may not want to be seen on screen themselves if they are self-conscious about any change in their appearance. This could be monitored and organised by the teacher responsible. The chances are that teachers and classmates will have followed the child’s illness from the start. This may make them feel involved and want to help in some small way to make the last days special.
- Emphasise that, even if pupils feel uneasy about seeing someone very ill, they can still remain in contact by telephone, email, videos, texting, social media, or letters.
- Home tutors can be especially useful as they often have a special empathy for very seriously ill children and their families.
- Always talk with all staff involved before talking to pupils, as staff members may have strong feelings. They have to feel able to manage these feelings and then manage pupils’ reactions. Keep those who need to know informed. Try and think about the need for support both for pupils and staff.
- Discuss how to let pupils know what is happening. Think carefully how to talk in classes where there may be a brother or sister. Give siblings a chance to choose whether or not they are present or absent when a class discussion takes place.
- Discuss who is available to support staff and pupils. Think about their availability.
What do schools need to consider after a child dies?
Parents usually contact the school after their child has died. Schools often want to have a special assembly or service. Check that it is not too soon, or at a time that is too difficult for the family. This is particularly important for schools where there may be a brother or sister as no-one wants to make the situation more difficult than it is already.
- Make sure that all staff are aware and that there is one key person to remain in contact with the family. Talking to many different members of staff may become too difficult for the family. Make sure too, that all staff are telling the same story.
- It is important for the school community to acknowledge the death of a pupil. This needs to be done in a way that will convey the importance of each individual in the community, and respects the child and his or her family.
- Think about the impact on staff. They should only be asked to speak to classes if they feel able to deal with pupils’ reactions and questions.
- Consider telling pupils in small groups if possible. This will allow for questions and expression of feelings.
- Consider how the family would feel about staff or pupils attending the funeral.
- Consider the policy of the school on staff and pupils attending funerals.
- Arrange for support to be available for both pupils and staff.
- Think very carefully if there is a surviving brother or sister and how you will include them in any memorials. Talking with them and their family will ensure the best level of support is available. Make sure you treat the surviving brother or sister in a way that is acceptable to both the child and the family.
- The school may also feel they would like to make a more permanent memorial to the child in the following months, such as a bench or seat with a plaque or special tree planted.
How to help someone who is going through loss and bereavement
- Let your genuine concern and caring show.
- Be available or arrange for someone to be available for them.
- Allow them to talk about their feelings, both positive and negative.
- Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel after a loss. Everyone will find their own way of dealing with it.
- Don’t let your own feelings of helplessness keep you from offering support.
- Don’t avoid grieving brothers or sisters because you feel uncomfortable.
- Don’t say you know how they feel, unless you have had the same loss. Never tell them what they should feel.
- Don’t change the subject when a pupil mentions their loss.
- Don’t try to find something positive to say about their loss. This can trivialise it in their eyes.