How can I help my friend whose child has died?
Your friend whose child has died may not feel that you really understand their total devastation. Clearly, it is impossible to understand completely how anyone else feels as you are not in the same position. However, you can help them in many different ways.
The following suggestions may help you feel you are doing something useful:
- Offering to do practical things like cooking, shopping, washing, ironing. The list is endless. This can take away the burden of having to even think about doing these things.
- Sometimes taking care of their other children, so that your friends can have some time for themselves, either alone or as a couple.
- Driving them, for example, to the shops, when they feel they cannot face the traffic.
- Some friends can listen but others find it too upsetting. If you find you can’t listen, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. Offering to do things instead can help your friend to feel you are trying to support them.
- Your friend is likely to need more support as the weeks go by, when they begin to feel everyone has forgotten them. People tend to ring and offer support in the beginning. The longer you remain in contact, the more you will be able to help your friend. Frequent but short contacts are really appreciated.
- Your friend may have difficulty in accepting your healthy family. Try not to feel guilty or upset about this. At this time, it is really difficult for them to think about anyone else’s point of view.
- Your friend will appreciate honesty and if you want to tell them how difficult it is for you to understand, you can say “I just cannot begin to understand how terrible it must be for you”.
It is also clearly devastating to hear that a close friend’s child has died. While you were probably told it may happen, no one believes it really will happen, and the news often comes as an enormous shock. Everyone hopes that their child will escape, and be the one who is cured against all the odds. This may make you worry about your own family as well as feeling desperately sorry for your friend and their family.
Some people feel guilty about worrying about those closest to them, however when a tragedy like the death of a child occurs, this is natural.
How can I talk to my friend whose child has died?
- Try not to just say “How are you?” Although very well intentioned, your friend will probably feel the need to say “Fine”. Sometimes comfort can come from simply putting an arm around your friend and saying very little. Or, if you are ready to hear the answer, you can say “How are you really feeling?”
- Try not to say “The good die young” or “God needed him” or “She was too special”. The list of these could be endless and, while there may be truth in some of them, your friend is unlikely to find them helpful.
- Euphemisms such as ‘fallen asleep’ are not helpful. It can be difficult to use the word died, but it is the truth. To say to your friend they have ‘lost’ their child makes them sound careless. The best words are often the ones your friend uses. You will soon pick up how they refer to their child who has died.
- It is almost never helpful to say to someone "You can always have more children”. This may or may not be true. The child who has died can never be replaced. He or she was absolutely unique and individual.
- Try to sit and listen for as long as it takes, accepting what is said rather than giving reassurance or advice. It is exhausting listening to anger, sadness, accusations and guilt. Listening to the same story repeatedly can become difficult but it will help. Telling their story is the main way that people start to grieve. Try to understand that there will be times when your friend does not want to talk and wishes to be on their own.
- Never cross the road to avoid speaking to your friend, even if you feel you want to. This can feel very hurtful. If you do not know what to say, then say so, because at least you are acknowledging the person’s sadness. They had no choice that their child died, but you do have a choice in how to be a real friend.
- Look after your friend’s physical needs. For example, encourage them to eat and get enough rest. You may be able to help them resume activities they had previously enjoyed.
- Talk about your friend’s child in everyday conversation. There may be some bereaved parents who do not want their child’s name mentioned but most do. You will not be reminding them about their sadness, because it is there all the time. Parents will probably welcome the chance to talk about their child for the rest of their lives.